Macho Chef: The wisdom of age

Maybe growing old is a little like global warming.

The average lifespan for Americans is about 72 years.  If we have any sense about us, we know that this journey is marked by certain signposts such as baldness, failing eyesight, aching joints, or your first heart attack.

Yet it is difficult to tell if any specific symptom is because of old age, just as it is difficult to tell if any particular weather event is the boogeyman of climate change.  It seems we blame just about anything unpleasant on global warming, just like we blame every ache and pain we feel on the undeniable fact of getting old.

But is it really aging?

Take kidney stones for example.  When I was a kid, I never had kidney stones.  But nowadays, I have to treat coffee like liquid cyanide and drink umpteen liters of water each day just so I can avoid the painful experience that is a bit like pushing an eighteen-wheeler through a wet sock.

Is that old age, I asked my doctor?  She said, "Well, it's not an easy question to answer.  You see, as your blood circulates and your kidneys filter out the waste from your body caused by the normal build-up of blah-blah-blah..."

Ten minutes later I have a greater appreciation for the wonders of the human body and why I wake up at night in order to make a trip to the bathroom, but I still don't know whether the stone I passed a few years ago was a result of my body slowly breaking down or if some demon from the deepest parts of Hades decided to wrap a lentil-sized  pebble in barbed wire and put it in my kidney.

It's the same thing with Global Warming.

We've all noticed the weird weather that occurs more-and-more often over the years.  The headlines tell us the harvest season is ten days early this fall, and the Canadian geese have been honking so much as they take an early vacation over my house that they are setting off the car alarm.

Are any of these symptoms of global warming?

"Well," says the guy or gal with the PhD in climatology, "no specific event can be classed as global warming because we have to consider the long-term trends of blah-de-blah-de-blah..."

Just answer the fricken question.

I cruise along, doing the things I do, and then one day I have to sprint down the street to make an appointment. When I stagger to my destination, blood pressure so high that a little steam whistle is poking out of my head and I look fragile enough that worried strangers are dialing 911 on their cell phones, I have to wonder:  Is the fact that I have wrinkled lungs, clogged arteries, and joints that make audible snapping sounds because I am getting old, or is it  some other reason?

The reality of the matter is that I don't like the whole idea of growing old, slowly watching my mind and body deteriorate, and someday suffering some catastrophic health event that lands me six feet underground.

So I've decided I am not aging.

All those doctors who are telling me to change what I am doing are a bunch of quacks engaged in a conspiracy to make me think I am getting old.  In fact, I have a different suspect for all of my symptoms of ill health.

I blame global warming.

Early Apple Dumplings

WHAT YOU NEED

2 large tart apples, peeled and cored

2 (10 ounce) cans refrigerated crescent roll dough

1 cup of butter

1 1/2 cups white sugar

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 12-ounce Mountain Dew

WHAT YOU DO

1. Set the oven to 350 degrees F and grease a 9x13-inch baking dish.

2.  Slice the apples into 8 wedges each.

3,  Using the crescent roll dough, roll each piece of apple, starting at a corner of the dough.   Seal the dumpling with a pinch and put it into the baking dish.

4.  Melt the butter in a saucepan and then stir in the sugar and cinnamon until the sauce is smooth. Pour it over the dumplings.

5.  Here's the fun part.  Pour the Mountain Dew over the dumplings.

6.  Bake for 40 minutes or until golden brown.