Macho Chef: Alien Abduction

About twelve or so months ago, while he still had some of that innocence that makes child-rearing somewhat rewarding and enjoyable, I took my eldest son aside, and I explained to him what he should expect as he moves into his teenage years.

In a very serious voice I said, "Now Son, don't be scared, but alien beings from another planet are going to kidnap you sometime in the next year or so."

"What are you talking about?" responded my son, with just that hint of sarcasm and disbelief that indicates blossoming self awareness and teenage cynicism.

Had I waited too long?

I dove back into my explanation.  "It's true.  Aliens will sneak into your room and kidnap you in your sleep, leaving a duplicate of you behind that will behave strangely, do nothing but annoy your parents, frustrate your teachers and drive up the grocery bill.

"The aliens will take you, while you are still asleep, to a planet where everything looks exactly like it does here on Earth, except nobody will understand you, and all the adults will be ignoramuses.  Don't be fooled.  It's a carefully constructed environment in an alien zoo.

"I know, it sounds crazy.  But you watch.  Over the course of the next couple of years you will realize more and more that your parents are getting stupider every day and that, strangely, someone seems to have designed the world in such a way as to keep you from doing the things that you want to do."

"And that will be the aliens?" he responded with a whisper, finally taking me seriously, perhaps for the last time in his pre-teen years.

"Yes, Son, the aliens will be the ones who are stupid and will test your tolerance to the breaking point and make you slam the door to your bedroom in red-faced frustration.  The aliens will be the ones who refuse to see your side of things, and it is the bug-eyed monsters who refuse to buy you the video games you know everyone else is enjoying. It's those large-eyed grey aliens who refuse to allow you to stay up all night watching R-rated films on cable, and it is an evil version of ET who keeps making you phone home."

"What can I do, Papa?"

"There's nothing you can do to stop it, Son, but it won't last forever.  After four to eight years the aliens will return you to Earth.  You will wake up one morning and realize that your parents are not quite as stupid as they seemed a few weeks before.  You will realize that you have a license to drive a car and that high school is over or coming to an end soon.  You might even notice that you have a lot more freedom and responsibility than you had when I first told you about the aliens.

"That's because the aliens have brought you back to Earth.

"Fortunately for your parents, the aliens will also take back the evil doppelganger that has been upending our lives for the past five or six years with sullen outbursts, secretive activities, and constant demands to do things that only a crazed howler monkey would consider appropriate.

"Of course, then you'll head off to college, just when you've started becoming really interesting.

"But know this, Son. We will have defeated the aliens."

He looked at me for a few seconds, and then he said, "That must be the stupidest thing I have ever heard, Papa."  And then he rolled his eyes at me.

I was too late.  The aliens had taken him.

BBQ Alien Crustaceans

WHAT YOU NEED

1 cup olive oil

3/4 teaspoon hot pepper sauce like Tabasco

1/2 teaspoon powdered garlic

1/4 cup of ketchup

2 tablespoons of lemon juice

1 teaspoon dried oregano

2 pounds peeled medium or large shrimp

skewers

WHAT YOU DO

1. Mix the first six ingredients in a medium bowl

2. Add the shrimp to the sauce and marinate for an hour.

3. Start up the coals.  Place coals about three to five inches from the cooking surface.

4. Push several shrimp onto each skewer.

5.  Grill over direct heat for 2-5 minutes per side.

6. Serve with rice.