Domestic violence: pain, past, present, future

AROOSTOOK COUNTY/ St. John Valley - Domestic abuse is characterized by violence in the home, which may take the form of overt physical abuse or a less visible but just as damaging form of mental and emotional manipulation and control.

Three brave survivors of domestic violence shared their stories, but none of the women who spoke about their experiences wanted to reveal their identities.

Two women cited discomfort with having their children know the whole story or the disapproval they were anticipating from their children for "airing dirty laundry in public" as one of the primary motivators for the restriction. While this is understandable, it indicates that the blanket of silence encouraged by the community starts with the victim's dependents, her children, who may see themselves as having a lot to lose from the revelation of domestic violence.

Each of the women had her own story about the sometimes overwhelming guilt and pain she feels about playing a part in creating a new generation of abusers and victims. Two women said they experienced abuse at the hands of their children, as their kids repeated the behaviors learned from their fathers.

All of them described a history of domination and abuse that began at a young age, either of their mothers by their fathers, or of bullying at school.

"The main thing is, you have to do it for the kids. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids," said one woman, who was referring to the necessity for leaving an abusive situation.

Unfortunately, as another woman put it, victims are conditioned to stay.

"I was in complete denial. I was in a state of survival," she said. "We suppress to survive."

"You have no clue. You've been brainwashed. You have no reason to want to get out," she added.

She said about her own experience, "I was trying to believe everybody who didn't believe there was abuse, because otherwise, I was stuck."

Another woman with a strong Catholic background shared that leaving her marriage was difficult partially because it indicated that all the things she had grown up believing about marriage and love and 'this forever thing' were wrong.

She said she had always believed "if you're a good person and faithful, things will be okay."

One of the women stayed in the situation because she was unaware of the services available to her if she wanted to leave. She had no job and was pregnant with her child when the situation between her and her husband escalated to the point where she became scared enough to make the decision to leave.  Because she felt helpless to provide for her baby without her husband, she went back.

"I didn't know there was something called 'a battered woman'," she said. "I didn't think I could handle leaving him."

Finding the Hope and Justice Project, she said, was the changing point of her life.  She described the moment she and her child spent a night in the shelter, laughing and having fun in the playroom together.

"The whole freedom of being out of that [abusive situation], it was exhilarating," she said. "I'm not stepping on eggshells anymore."

She added, "Every once in a while, I see an eggshell and kick it over to the side. People have to know there really is help out there...to get your life back. It's baby steps."

The Hope and Justice Project is associated with what used to be known as the battered women's shelter, but Executive Director Francine Garland Stark pointed out that the organization provides many levels of assistance, not just shelter services. St. John Valley Coordinator Pam Pennington said those who approach the organization determine the level of assistance they receive. There are no requirements or set conditions for help.

Typically, the victim remains silent about the abuse, either because the abuser has promised retaliation if she speaks up, from a feeling of shame about her situation, because her support system abandons her, or as result of a combination of these factors.

In reference to the importance of getting support from family or friends, one woman said, "You need to have support from the people who are in a position to help you. It's not important to have the support of everyone."

"The law is only beginning to wake up.  Religion is finally realizing that they haven't heard us."

All three women said education was the key to changing their circumstances. Two women said getting educated about abuse itself, primarily through reading books, was an important part of restoring their self-esteem and taking the first steps toward gaining back control of their lives.

For one woman, getting a college degree was the key to her independence, and to regaining a sense of herself as a separate, confident, and worthy individual.

"The first day of school, I fell in love [with it]. College really transformed me," she said.

"It made me into a thinking person," she added.

The degree allowed her to get a good job and to support her children, although the road to that freedom was rocky. In spite of all of the material and psychological benefits she received from the college degree, she said she still feels a sense of guilt about the poverty her children experienced while she was getting her degree and about the time it took away from spending with her kids.

The stigma of being a single mother and on welfare was also a deterrent to leaving at the time, but now she can say, "There's no shame in being poor if you're working your butt off."

Education in community schools can play an important role in breaking the cycle of abuse in relationships and at home. Tammy Albert, a Hope and Justice Project advocate working in the St. John Valley, said the area schools have been receptive to supporting the organization's outreach and preventative efforts. Pennington said the schools have improved in the 15 years she's been involved with this program in the Valley.

However, the role children play in keeping women silent about their experiences with domestic abuse even after they leave suggests the schools could also assist in breaking the cycle by providing counseling for children growing up in a situation of domestic violence.

One victim said it was important for the education system to offer classes that show children how to relate in a healthy way, pointing out that if the child is learning how to be an abuser or a victim at home, there is currently no other way for them to learn a different model of behavior.

On Tuesday, Feb. 7, Governor LePage proclaimed February to be Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month.

Two of the women who spoke up are currently in the legal process that accompanies an attempt to leave a situation of domestic abuse.  One of the women, however, is many years past the abuse, and is now in a long-term, healthy relationship, has a good job, and has transformed her life.

Although the ever-present guilt and sense of culpability still seems to be a factor, she has gotten to a place where she can say, "There were some things that were...absolutely not engendered by what I did."

About the abuse she endured, however, she said, "You really never get over it. It's like a death. It stays with you."

"It's tragic that so many women go through this."

To read Part 4 of this series, clock here. 

To read Part 3 of this series, click here.

To read Part 1 of this series, click here.